LowExperience2368
Thank you to the wonderful people here who gave me words of advice yesterday. I read it all and it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside :)
I went out with my sister and her friend tonight and the two of them were clearly different people.
When we went separate ways with the friend, I turned to my sister and said,
“You and _____ are so different, how did you become friends?”
She said,
“We have similar morals and we vibe (which I think means connect emotionally and get along well).”
That was the point where I realised I haven’t emotionally connected with someone like that in YEARS. Everything has felt so surface level. The last time I felt like that about someone was probably high school (which I’d say wasn’t that long ago, being a non-mature aged uni student now).
It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt like someone gets me and I get them, like we’re on the same wavelength. It’s a sad reality that the people I see the most are not THE people that I “vibe” with. No wonder why I feel so freaking sad all the time - that’s definitely a reason.
Me to bar guy: it literally takes 30 seconds to send a text message to ask someone how they are and show you care.
Him: you’re underestimating the amount of time it takes for me to text
🤦♂️
If you choose to talk about something to someone that they don’t necessarily care about, the whole subtext is sharing how you’re feeling, right?
Ok I didn’t phrase that very well. What I don’t like is how I listen to people’s shit and am patient with them, even if I’m not necessarily interested in the topic, yet other people wouldn’t do the same for me.
Is it not a basic human decency thing to do?
I met bar guy’s friends tonight and there was one there I could tell that had a little crush on him. You can sort of tell by the way someone interacts with another person, because she was only interacting like that with him.
I find out more about this girl, and she’s pretty much got the exact same interests as the dude, and the way they interacted was just effortless and it seemed like they had a great connection.
Compare that to me, I pretty much don’t have anything in common with him, we don’t like the same movies or music, or things in general. I am a shy and awkward piece of shit who for some reason has started feeling nervous around him as well. I lose my sense of self, it’s not like I had one to begin with anyway. I’m an average Joe, an uncultured swine.
The thought of breaking up with him makes me incredibly sad. However, I don’t want to force what isn’t there. I think he is only with me because I gave him a chance. I could be the most stale person in the room but because I was there for him when he needed it and can meet his physical touch needs, it’s alright. That’s why I don’t have a clear gut feeling on how to proceed.
All this coupled with uni kicking my ass, not sleeping enough, low iron, ADHD, brain fog and financial strain is absolutely fucking killing me.
I just wish things would get better!
I dislike the fact that I find it difficult to be okay with people I’m close to not reaching out for a while. Perhaps that’s the whole “rejection sensitive dysphoria” part of ADHD.
My attempt at a rational mind says, “They’re busy and you’re busy. Now suck it up and get a life.”
My emotional mind however, says, “Ahhhhhh we just wanna be close to ____, why are they so distant?!”
I just wanna do my work without my emotional mind being a bitch!
I am really struggling to research for a uni assignment and actually find gaps in the literature that are actually relevant. I am annoyed and sleepy. Everything is just going in circles.
So my plan is just to write shit and learn from the feedback (attempt to at least)
I wanted to be cut out for academia but I don’t think I will ever have the critical thinking skills :(
Yay fixed mindset
I have this urge to cut everyone off. I deleted Insta so I talk to no one and archived all my chats except with close family. I’ll probably redownload it tomorrow, but I need to stop focusing on other people and focus on myself and my degree. I want to graduate end of next year.
So I’m going to get tested for coeliac disease. If it turns out I do have it, it’s gonna be a little tricky to navigate at first, but I’m happy to give up pasta and bread if it means I have a better quality of life.
Tried talking to my parents about how shit my mental health is.
I only got to talking about how I feel, not some of the things that were bothering me and was met with,
“Grow up!”
And
“Oh no, is an ant crawling on you again,”
And
“Just get off social media,” (which I have reduced my intake of)
So I don’t know if I’m just bad at communicating how I feel. I think it’s because I got emotional, and that made them might’ve made them feel threatened.