I want to be done with manual labor. How do I become one of those people that does their work on a laptop on a tropical island? Every day I just want to die. Please help.

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This is in no way am exhaustive list, but:

  1. There are some sales jobs that are fully remote. More with COVID. Sales requires basically nothing except a willingness to talk to people nicely in the hopes that they buy or continue to buy a company’s crap.

  2. “Learn to code” yeah it’s bullshit as the solution, placing the burden of economic crisis and exploitation on individual workers to become “marketable”, but when it comes to interpersonal recommendations it is a very good way to get what you want. You can also learn sysadmin type stuff, homelab things, data mining, and so on, not just FAANG developer jobs. Basically anything related to tech benefits from having some level of familiarity with these things, meaning you can look into a lot of different kinds of jobs. Maybe you end up liking research so you do ux/UI. Maybe you like independent work and prefer smaller scale (cloud) sysadmin things. Maybe you like bridging design work and application so you become a translational front end dev. Maybe you like complete independence so you become a contractor that builds websites for restaurants, etc. Basically, you have a lot of options in this direction.

  3. Several goverent jobs are remote right now, including city and state jobs. Many will be easier to acquire with some coding knowledge.

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