It was fantastic. I didn’t even have to cook anything or have awkward interactions with family. I don’t think I worried about anything for the whole day, which is a pretty big deal for me.
SAN DIEGO—Lying on the couch in his cramped, poorly lit apartment, local man Mark Borkowski was reportedly having the best Thanksgiving of his life Thursday while getting high and eating Taco Bell thousands of miles away from his family. “Wow, I never knew this holiday could be so genuinely wonderful,” said Borkowski, sitting alone with a glass pipe in one hand and a chalupa in the other as he watched episodes of How I Met Your Mother on his laptop. “The Taco Bell guy got my order pretty much right, and I still have plenty of weed. Meanwhile, my parents are on the other side of the country and in a totally different timezone, so our entire interaction this year was a five-minute phone call while I packed this bowl. There truly is so much to be thankful for.” At press time, sources confirmed an elated Borkowski was reflecting on the likelihood that this year his Christmas wish would come true and he’d spend the holiday getting totally shitfaced on vodka.
(I called my family yesterday and read this to them.)
