Listen here, Mac. I created my account 20 days ago. Every post I post is ultimately a mating call for a cute commie girl in an ushanka with a bright red nose cause we’re in the cold snow of Syberia.

Now you listen here you ungrateful little shit. Who cleared your internet browser history of communist furry hentai when your mom was snooping on your laptop while you were at school? Me. Who adjusted your geometry grades so you didn’t fail and have to take summer school in order to graduate on time? That’s right. I did.

Remember when you were jacking off in the living room when nobody was home and you thought you heard your phone vibrate? It startled you and you went to go check it but there was no notification. Then you caught a glimpse of your parents pulling into the driveway which you never would’ve known if nothing distracted you from your flesh sesh. You know who did that too? Bingo, buddy.

I might not be your father but I’m the best goddamn dad you will ever have. Because I love you, Jason. Fuck Greg, that alcoholic piece of shit will never respect you for who you are— for what you could become. He doesn’t care about your goals or what you want out of this bleak existence we call life.

I will always be there for you, watching your back and protecting you, sport. And don’t you ever forget it.

Imagine going up to some rando on the street and saying that sentence aloud