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Australiaâs number one grocery prison has announced a brand new policy stating that loss prevention officers will be granted license to shoot any suspected shoplifter on sight.
âDo you think this is a fucking joke?â sprayed a nameless executive wearing a balaclava at a press conference.
âWe put in the security gates, the guards, the cameras everywhere and even fitted our creepy cleaning robots with lasers, and weâre still seeing a small amount of people who are doing the wrong thing, itâs not on!â
Woolworths have also announced 9 cents a litre fuel discount as a reward for any information leading to the capture of a shoplifter this holiday season. âThis Christmas, snitches get the riches,â said the masked executive.
âWoolworths needs to be treated with the respect a corporate giant deserves,â he said, as he gently patted a baseball bat in his hands. âWhat we did to Australian farmers we can do to you. Donât tempt me.â
âOur new partially trained loss prevention officers didnât have the skills to be full police officers, so weâve given them jobs as a private militia. They are authorised to use lethal force in any situation where they believe someone is taking our overpriced, invisibly shrunk products without paying above full price.â
The new security comes in the wake of a successful strike from a Coles Brand MQ9 reaper drone which neutralised a customer who allegedly stole a red seedless grape.
Iâm actually a little miffed with Woolies at the moment: we need to take our own bags to the shops, so I have a bag full of bags in the trolley.
I put everything through the checkout, hit pay and the thing now says âdid you forget something? Your trolley isnât empty.â Then I need to wait for the poor kid whoâs got to do this for everyone to get to me to let me out.
I know loss prevention is an issue for them, but theyâre the ones foisting these self serve checkouts on us. First it was the scales âunexpected item in the bagging areaâ/âIâm using my own bagâ, now this.
Itâs not a friendly experience for the customer at all. I prefer to wait for the slow grandma in front of me at Aldi than deal with checking out of Woolies. And thatâs saying something.
Wow it checks the bloody trollies now too! If they made the food more affordable they might not have to deal with shoplifting. In saying that I have twice seen people steal from ALDI now
Good stuff, sometimes aggressive measures need to be taken to look out for the interest of the shareholders. Plus the fuel discount is a perfectly timed Christmas gift, exactly what Australia needs in a cost of living crisis. Bravo Woolies, very proud to have my superannuation invested in a company that cares!
Remember, if you:re self checking out, all tomatoes are truss tomatos :D
