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CW:Discussion of Self-Harm, suicide, Borderline Personality. I feel like I'm prolonging suffering with my partner.

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BigAssBlueBug [they/them]@hexbear.net
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Hey. Actual effortpost from me for once. My partner of 8 years is suffering from treatment resistant BPD and depression. She has tried every single medication. Anti depressants did nothing. Fucking mood stabilizers did nothing. the doctors gave her Vyanyse, because they ran put of options. Hell, even sleeping meds do nothing. In the psych ward they tried to knock her out and it took hours. We have tried everything, and now even I have ran out of hope. Every other person online that she speaks to with BPD makes this assertion as well. She doesnt want to live with this disorder anymore, and I’ve reached my breaking point as well. I feel like a veterinarian looking over a gravely wounded dog. The humane thing would be to just let nature take its course, and to not prolong the suffering. But I love her. I love her so much, even If we have both been awful to each other. (Autist and BPD teenagers in a relationship do not mix. We were abusive to each other for quite a while.)

I dont see a way out. there’s no other treatment. I dont have any more fight in me for her sake. Every day i live in intense anxiety and fear of triggering another BPD episode from her, even If I know logically it is neither of our faults. I’m sorry if any BPD comrades feel offended from this, but hell, even my professors and my doctor state that they refuse to try and treat BPD due to how resistant it is, and I’m just one moron trying to keep her alive. But I dont onow if I can keep doing it. It’s notas if the psych ward nearby is any help - they’re so understaffed. and awful there I was tempted report it, from what I heard my partner describe. The closes place that does electromagnetic stuff is hours away. We are out of options.

Morally, I cant justify trying to keep her from ending her own life anymore, but I’m too selfish to stop, I dont want to lose her.

Tl;dr: my partner of 8 years has treatment resistant depression and borderline. We have exhausted our options and we have no hope. I feel as though I am prolonging suffering by being with her and trying to keep her from ending her life.

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