This has gone on for weeks. In that time I’ve gotten about 15 hours of sleep total. My head hurts. I can barely think. I keep vomiting and can’t hold down fluids. Hypnic jerks. My heart won’t stop thumping. PTSD nightmares. I don’t stay asleep for long. But the longer I go without sleeping, the more stressed I get. I tried sleep restriction. My sleep wasn’t great before but it was manageable and not interfering with life too much (well, it was, but before this I had a life). Sleep restriction is what caused it to get this bad. I went to the ER and the doctor just kept saying “We don’t give out meds for insomnia, I don’t know what you expect me to do.” After discharge I got right back in line, waited my turn again, the second doctor put me on a psychiatric hold because when she started talking about discharging me I said “I’m scared my head or heart could explode or that otherwise I could die if you discharge me” which she interpreted as a suicidal threat and also because “You’re probably hallucinating by now because insomnia causes hallucinations.” I wasn’t and insisted I wasn’t. I obviously didn’t get much sleep there, I also have trauma related to being frivolously thrown in the psych ER, then a psych hospital. They refused to medicate me with anything other than my current prescription of trazodone. I told them it’s been causing me arrhythmia and I’m only taking it because I’m weaning myself off of it and I need to try something else. They told me to stop being noncompliant and put me on 300 mg. The night shift at the ward treated me like an animal and ignored me for 45 minutes when the trazodone caused me to collapse, hit my head on the floor, and black out (which honestly would have been great if it had happened 60 seconds later as I would have been in bed). I woke up to 5 people violently dragging me to my room and all they would say to me was “Why are you doing this?”” Why are you doing this?” “You are making a scene.” I begged them to have someone stay with me to make sure I was okay. They looked at me like I had 4 heads and left me alone. I’m now having PTSD symptoms related to that experience. They let me go in a worse state than I came in. My PCP has me essentially blacklisted at this point, never responds to my calls and has his staff hang up when I say who I am because they think I’m a hypochondriac due to some really serious Lyme-like symptoms I was having that really did turn out to be post-Lyme in addition to a Vitamin B12 deficiency, but I can’t even see him to prove those diagnoses. Please don’t tell me I need a new PCP, I know. I’m an adult, but I’m very young. My childhood was very traumatic so I never got to experience it really, and I spent most of my childhood and and adolescence in deep states of dissociation. I feel like I only really “woke up” and became conscious and alive a few years ago after I took shrooms and realized how many parts of the human experience had been turned off for me and how many mental muscles I needed to work to build. Life’s still been a disaster since then as I’m living in an abusive situation where my time and finances are controlled as my insomnia’s kept me from being able to hold down a job for too long (I can do it fir a few months but eventually I get fired for being or looking like a zombie or I finally crash and quit) and rent’s really expensive, and I experience intermittent homelessness on the whims of my only remaining parent. My father died months ago and I’m his next of kin (he’s divorced), but can’t, and probably never will from the way it looks things are going, access my inheritance as I don’t have enough money to file probate. My government hates me. I literally don’t understand why even a right-wing government would put such a heavy fee on filing probate with no exceptions except as a giant fuck you. to poor people. I really am scared that I could die. I don’t know what else to do. But I’m NOT going back to the ER.