Not sure why I wanted to talk about this. Maybe because I don’t hear this kind of thing talked about very often.

Pretty much since I was a teenager, whenever I’m trying to get to sleep, I hold onto one of my pillows as though it’s someone else of whatever gender I’m in the mood for that night, and pretend that they’re holding me and just generally being affectionate towards me.

Sometimes I imagine them saying nice things to me, but I try to keep it in the realm of things I am able to believe.

So, nothing along the lines of “You’re good-looking/beautiful” (I don’t find myself good-looking, and it feels delusional to imagine that someone else would) or “You’re a good person” (Who’s to say? On the whole I might not be) or “Everything will be okay” (For all I know, it might not).

But I might imagine them saying things along the lines of “You’re a person, so it’s normal for you to want and to enjoy affection” – it’s harder to argue with a general statement like that. Even “I love you” is hard to argue with, and even if I counter that I’m just imagining a fictional character saying they love me, the feeling of being loved is real – it’s just that the feeling is coming from inside of me. It’s like tricking myself into loving myself. You may be able to tell that a large part of this is just me convincing myself that it’s okay for me to feel comfort and affection in the first place.

I’ve never been in a romantic relationship. Sometimes I wonder if this habit of mine is making me complacent so that I don’t feel like I need to seek a real partner. I think that’s probably false, because it’s such a small part of my life – it’s not like I’ve created a fictional character I’m convinced is my romantic partner, like those guys who “marry” a doll or a chatbot. (I don’t like to be judgmental, and I try to have compassion for these guys in a “There, but for the grace of God, go I” kind of way, but I can’t help but feel some pity for such people.) There are other factors that more adequately explain why I’ve never had a partner.

Also, I suspect that this habit – cuddling with a pillow in bed as though it’s a person you’re sharing affection with – is more common than most people are willing to admit. I’ve read a few books about self-compassion and found that some of the exercises they suggest are surprisingly similar in some ways. But I guess that’s why I wanted to post it here, because I was wondering how common this kind of thing is. This seems like a community that’s understanding without being too much of a hugbox (i.e. if you think I’m doing something that’s harmful to myself, you’ll let me know.)