Good evening comrades and welcome to your weekly mental health thread. This is the last week of the year, how is everyone doing? How was your year? How was your Christmas?
Feel like shit. Sleepy as shit for no reason. Life is meaningless.
At least I get a 3 day weekend with new years.
I’m hardly the first person to say it but my year has been an absolute shitshow. I don’t expect for things to go back to normal in 2021 but I’m looking forward to a new start. I’ve still managed to make some progress this year, which is good.
Right now I’m having time off from work and I’m struggling to relax. I’m always thinking about what I should do instead what I want to do. I thought that I would feel well if I did all the things I’m supposed to do but I still kinda feel like ass. So I guess I should just relax and do what I want to do sometimes. The struggle continues.
I don’t know.
I had a close friend pass away last week (from a long fight with cancer, not covid), and I don’t know what it’s going to do to me long term. She was one of the friends that stuck with me when I fell deep into depression and burnout, and I could always talk to her. I had conversations with her I haven’t ever had with anyone else. And after she passed, I heard from mutual friends that she was always concerned about me, and always trying to get me to love myself more.
I didn’t really notice it when she was alive. Now that she’s gone, I realize what I’ve lost. I did get to say goodbye to her, and I did tell her how much I’d miss her, but I wish I could have said more to her, and that covid hadn’t come and made her last months so lonely.
I’m trying to tell myself that she would want me to be happy, and make more connections with other people, and be less miserable. And I’m going to try to do that. I’m worried I’ll fall back into my old patterns and habits once the holidays are over and I have to go back to work, though.
Well got turned down by my friend (see my post last week). Which means the entire future I had in mind collapsed. I have at least 30 years in front of me which will consist of work, gaming and reading, an hour of discord and then giong to sleep repeat ad infinitum. According to a former therapist I’m propably on the verge of the autism spectrum. Like I can function in my job as a teacher, but I really only know how to explain stuff or discuss a topic. Making new contacts is super difficult for me since I don’t get small talk and am bad at keeping things like posture and body language in mind. I’m also terrible in sports (and hate them) and have no cool leftist orgs around where I live. I’m in an online biweekly theory group which is cool though. This has become a drunken rant (thanks for the whiskey mom). But I just don’t see a future anymore that isn’t more of the same.
