The goal was simple.

Get out of the shower, dry off and get dressed. I got out of the shower fine. I left and returned to the bathroom three times to finish drying off.

I put my underwear on and wandered to my computer to check Reddit. I got bored of Reddit and pulled out my phone - checked Reddit. Got up, put on pants. Wandered over to the sink and fiddled with the lotion. Flopped on the bed and pulled out my phone.

Continue in this vein for fifteen minutes. This ENTIRE TIME I have been wondering if I have ADHD. Been thinking about it on and off all day. Look at my hotel room and see little piles of crap that have accumulated since the shower; things that I started and grew immediately bored of and discarded.

Why? Why can’t I just sit and do something? My low-level IT job is a monumentally difficult series of tasks, even if I know on some level that most of it’s pretty damn easy. I gain enough satisfaction from my school work. Not that I’ll actually do it, but online classes are astonishingly easy to fake.

I don’t do the things that I enjoy. I ENJOY reading, writing, watching TV, playing video games, walking my dog… do I do them? Nah. I’ll start up a game. A game that I know I like and want to play and see where the story goes and I get going and within five minutes I’ve realized that I’m not focusing and losing track of what’s happening. So I close the game and wander over to reddit.

During my days off, I have spent actual hours just… scrolling. This isn’t specific to people with ADHD, of course, but I’m certainly not enjoying myself. All I can focus on are quick videos or jokes. If I find an article or long form article that is genuinely interesting, it’s always saved for later. On a good day I can make it three paragraphs into a longer essay before bookmarking for later, where it will sit until the piece is deleted years from now.

Do I have ADHD? Of course only a highly trained professional can tell me. But it’s the only thing that makes sense. The clearest example is writing. I want to write, desperately want to plot out and deliver stories that are important to me. And I can never do it. The same is true for any creative endeavor of mine I’d like to get into. There’s some sort of mental blockage, a neuron cluster that needs a bypass.

Or I could just be a lazy piece of shit. In any case, I need to find a psychiatrist who takes my insurance. Thanks for reading my ramblings.

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The goal was simple.

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