Thanks for the reply anyway. I think one of the problems may be with figuring how much context other people have and how much you need to give. But, yeah, it is kinda personalized.

I think the core of my special interest is more around ontology and epistemology. Dialectical materialism is the lovely center I’ve found that acts as a coherent lens for understanding most things. Buddhism has a lot in common with dialectics and I find it deepening in a way. Before I just thought Marxism let me understand the whole world broadly, but I find it is more important while I’m not actively organizing and still growing a lot as a person to examine the phenomenal nature of reality and my mind and ego tunnel. I have probably thought many hours about existentialism and phenomenology without reading a word of Husserl and only a book and some essays by Camus.

Looking into the Buddhist perspective would probably interest you, but I empathize with your experience. A long time investigating experientially, and I’ve found that my perfectionistic ideal of humanity does not exist. Humans are strange and irrational and ugly and how the hell did “I” end up one. It feels like I don’t belong in this body but I don’t have a better idea of where I belong anymore. I don’t hate the image in the mirror, but you’re telling me that’s “me?” That name I respond to is “me?” It’s so strange. There’s totally a disconnect. This body seems to limit me greatly, but it also does cool things of its own accord my mind doesn’t think possible.

So I have identified with the voice in my head for a long time, but at some point it got extra loud and stupid and I had OCD and I realized with the help of Buddhist informed stuff that I don’t have to identify with my thoughts. I understand intellectual that the self is composed of nonself elements and does not necessarily exist, but it still has felt sort of like there has been a “me” at war with all my thoughts since my black and white thinking decided thoughts are wrong.

What fascinates me is the greatly differing perspectives of other “spiritual seekers” I have seen online. They have neurotypical coherent senses of self and want to bliss out and merge with the rest of the universe. Meanwhile I’m coming in with my face dragged through the dirt of the abyss despite relatively good material circumstances. My brain says nothing’s real, it gets really mad when things change, and my stomach constantly hurts from “dissatisfaction.” Will Buddhism fix this? Do I really think I can get enlightened? Am I just suppressing the part of me that wants to criticize everything and believe nothing again? I don’t know but I think I’m less dissociated and anxious, so that’s something.