“clueless white guy shocks natives with senseless act of suicide”

“AWAY from the awful swarms of summer tourists (aka, the 18-year-olds drinking heavily and getting their first 2 a.m. tattoos AND the people in their late 20s trying to “eat pray love” in Bali)”

YOU ARE THE PERSON IN THEIR LATE 20S TRYING TO EAT PRAY LOVE IN BALI!!!

“Our flight is delayed 45 minutes, which gives us time to grab something to eat and stereotype all the different Western travelers on our flight to Bali”

YOU ARE THE WESTERN TRAVELER IN BALI!!!

“I really do not enjoy hanging out with lifestyle bloggers (food bloggers are much more fun to eat with)”

TREATS TREATS TREATS TREATS TREATS!!! YUMMERS!!

“We arrive at another dingy little guesthouse” “We wake up and realize our dingy guesthouse is actually a beautiful Buddhist/Hindu garden sanctuary!”

YOUR SO CLOSE TO TURNING ME INTO A THIRD WORLDIST

“While it has views of the ocean bay, it also has views of a local garbage dump. Thanks, booking.com!”

I WONDER WHAT COUNTRYS SHIP ALL THEIR GARBAGE OVERSEAS!!!

“For some bizarre reason, one restaurant has real corn tortillas and serves the closest thing to a Mexican taco that I’ve seen in 13 months of travel. Tempe, avo, mango tacos with a sunset beach view?! Yes, please!”

this feels like a microaggression

“Dinner wasn’t enough. We find another beach bar serving something called “Apple Cinnamon.” We wait impatiently for 25 minutes and then gorge on caramelized bananas and apple slices simmered in sugar syrup”

MORE TREATS MORE TREATS NOW MORE TREATS NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!

“Once we return to our charming little beachside garbage-y villa”

bus driver from cod tranzit voice FUUUUUUUCK YOU

“Since I paid for our previous trip to Singapore, he owes me a small chunk of change (we keep track of our shared expenses via the Splitwise app, which minimizes nagging), so he is paying the bigger bills to slowly pay me back.”

OBSESSED WITH MONEY also lol @ the nagging spouse comment

“As we lie in bed, I do something I haven’t done in a LONG time! It’s a guilty pleasure, of course. I window shop on Anthropologie’s website, dreaming of placing an order of the clothing I can’t yet afford.”

the only guilt this person has felt in their life + shit they can clearly afford

“I work on social media calendars and reply to DMs on some of the client Insta accounts I run.” fake job

“Within literally five minutes, we have a quintessential Bali experience: We crash our scooter.” not really quintessential but sure dummy

“we’re both rolling on pot-holey asphalt. It sucks SO MUCH. The stars align (sorta), and two Dutch nurse travelers happened to pass us. They come to our rescue, feed us cookies, and test our limbs.”

YUMMY TREATS FROM THE MOST HOLY OF PEOPLES THE DUTCH

“After a few hours of being stuck in a medical clinic, we are SO HUNGRY! We have no way to get to our cute vegan-friendly lunch spot and are forced to hop on the back of two locals’ scooters for a lift. It’s pricier than it should be, but it doesn’t feel like we have much of a choice. I hang on for dear life and then slip the drivers some cash.”

FORCED to hop on the local’s scooters. FORCED!!! and so expensive!!!

“The cashier gives us a free reusable tote bag for some bizarre reason, and we go on our merry way.”

WOW someone being nice. BIZARRE!!! (which is this persons favorite word)

“When we arrive, it is swarmed with glowing yogis chatting and studying for their teacher certification. The restaurant is not nearly as cool as its Google listing photos imply, and the waiter is the most apathetic waiter I’ve ever met. (…) The restaurant turns out to be cash-only as well, but alas, we have no cash. I find a hidden $20 USD bill I have in my wallet, and we try to convert it to the local currency, the rupiah. The waiter struggles with the math and tries to charge us double in USD, because he doesn’t have change. I run around the restaurant like a crazy woman, desperate to find change for him. A laughing couple supports my cause, and we leave without being scammed”

THOSE BROWN PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO SCAM YOU!!! AND THEY ALWAYS STRUGGLE WITH MATH!!1!!! I THOUGHT ASIANS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT MATH!!11!! GOOD THING WE HAD THE OTHER WESTERNERS TO BACK US UP!!! /s

" Our scooter friends can’t pick us up, so we revert to taking a local island “taxi.” "

TAXI IN QUOTES CUZ THEY AREN’T REAL TAXIS IF IT ISN’T A NEW YORKER IN A CAP DRIVING THEM /s

"Tormented by nightmares and an achy body, I wake up feeling sore, groggy, and awful. "

Good.

“I DM a cool Ukrainian artist Instagrammer to collab with an earbud company I work for. I ignore the six copy-pasted collaboration requests I have in their inbox…I then reply to all our comments on a recent post. I decide to lie in bed and go through all my receipts and scan them into Evernote, because it feels like a responsible, adulty thing to do.”

A LITTLE ADULTING WHEN YOU’RE SO POPULAR GOES A LONG WAY

“Seconds before I sit down to see the nurse, a bruised and battered American teenager stumbles into the room. It’s clear he’s just had a scooter incident while driving shirtless. I quickly make room for the poor guy and return to the waiting room, chuckling to my partner that the doctors in Bali must make a lot of money treating us dumb tourists who crash on their scooters.”

YOU ARE THE DUMB AMERICAN TOURIST YOU ARE THE DUMB AMERICAN TOURIST

" We get a lift on the scooters to a nearby blue lagoon — damn, it’s SO beautiful! Thankfully, there’s a lovely hotel on the rim of the cliffs with a beanbag-covered balcony."

THANKFULLY theres a hotel so we dont have to sit on the beach like PEASANTS

“I whip out my laptop to work on a performance analysis of my own personal Instagram feed and start writing a new strategy for next month. My battery dies before I finish, so I read a bizarre yet intriguing chapter of my book (You and I Eat the Same: On the Countless Ways Food and Cooking Connect Us to One Another) about Mennonites making cheese in Northern Mexico.”

i made an inhuman groan noise at this

“My partner insists on walking 30 minutes to a restaurant on the other side of the island.”

OH NO WALKING 30 MINUTES

“Together we hobble and limp past sad, empty beach clubs (it’s high season in Bali, which makes them even more sad). An hour later, we make it to this cute rooftop restaurant.”

SAD! SAD! SAD! sounds like a donald trump tweet

“Somehow we both order different versions of a dry, salty pesto pasta dish.”

WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED YOU WENT TO INDONESIA AND THE ITALIAN FOOD WASNT PERFECT BECAUSE INDONESIA IS TOTALLY A PLACE KNOWN FOR ITALIAN PRO CHEFS SHIPPED RIGHT OVER FROM NAPLES /s

“We spend much of dinner laughing and taking ridiculous photos of our “gourmet” dishes, pretending we’re in food-blogger mode.”

RIDICULOUS! RIDICULOUS! IN FOOD-BLOGGER MODE! RIDICULOUS! GOURMET IN SCARE QUOTES!

“try to pay for dinner but realize I’m out of cash — oh no, how have I become so forgetful?! I find a few small bills floating around my purse after the owner tells us the only ATM is on another island, ha! We happily agree that we’ll come back in the morning to pay the rest of the bill, because it’s a tiny island and I’m sure it’s easy for him to hunt us down if we truly dined-and-dashed.”

not to be insane but something about westerner priviledge

“We chuckle at how quaint this little Balinese island feels.”

QUAINT LITTLE ISLAND!!!

“I pop a double dose of Ashwagandha capsules for stress reduction, chug water, and watch irrelevant Insta stories to distract myself. I can barely stomach free breakfast, because my whole body is riddled with anxiety about work, flights, ailments, emails, and having to leave the comforts of our tiny little Balinese island to rush to a crappy airport hotel.”

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO MAKE IT SOUND SO ANNOYING PLZ TELL ME THERE IS A GHOST WRITER THAT PARAPHRASES THESE

“(my enormous voyage back to the land of bagels, drip coffee, and good Wi-Fi…oh, and my family)”

the, bart, the

“We are exhausted and thankful that the hotel seems okay and has a restaurant. It’s the day before our massive journey to New York, and all I want to do is eat, repack, watch Queer Eye, and sleep. Turns out the hotel restaurant is ginormous and 100% empty. We settle on potato wedges, a watermelon smoothie, and two creamy turmeric pasta dishes (mine is with veggies, and his is with chicken)”

THE BART THE

“I stupidly check my email before bed and see a message from one of my clients. My cortisol level spikes, and I know that I’ve just ruined my chances of getting a good night’s rest. Turns out she wants revisions for a social media schedule and has only given me 24 hours’ notice. Looks like I’ll have to stress at the airports and maybe even pay for in-flight Wi-Fi to get it done. Sometimes I really hate my job…”

i need to see a reality tv show where this person works at a fast food restaraunt

"I buy a mini bottle of virgin coconut oil for my vegan sister, a bag of luwak coffee (which contains feces produced when the Asian palm civet eats the coffee cherries…it’s supposed to be the best coffee in the world) "

HAHA THE FUNNY PEOPLE EAT DOODOO ISNT THAT FUNNY