I’ll start:
Soft toilet paper is for pampered suburban lib asses that hate adventure. Soft toilet paper feels wet and like it’s smearing the shit around your asshole. Scratchy toilet paper rips the shit off your anus, feels like a loving massage from a romantic porcupine , and is for leftists who like to live life the right way.
I use one of those hand shower things (someone in this thread called it a bumgun idk) to fire high pressure water up my ass. Then wash with soap and dry with a towel. No tp required.