Giving up was an option the whole time. There is no easy answer.

You don’t need a positive outlook on humanity to advance socialist causes. A large part of it is having a rational economy and lessening/removing the harm capitalism causes. People don’t need to be good for it to be better to have these things.

Problem is that the culture in white imperialist countries is so rotten it’s basically unfixable without reeducating tens of millions of people.

I don’t think communist beliefs necessarily demand an optimistic view of humanity. I went through a lot of physical and psychological abuse when I was young, so you can imagine my thoughts on most humans — and humanity as a whole — are not precisely positive, but I haven’t rejected communism. We believe in communism and want to advance socialism not necessarily because we believe in humanity, but because we know that no matter what, communism is the right thing to do: right for humans, right for animals, and right for the planet. Capitalism will just bring absolute destruction and desolation.

“High hopes, low expectations”: this attitude towards life has helped me a lot; I think it’s a realistic, but not defeatist approach at life. I don’t expect humans to suddenly be good (in fact I don’t trust most of them, and I doesn’t help that abuse crippled my ability to bond with most people), but I continue to fight for what I think is best for humanity and the world. Maybe I also just secretly hope someone doesn’t have to go through what I went through. People deserve a better world, and I hope if they don’t get that better world, at least won’t be because I didn’t do anything.