I have also been an anarchist for most of my life. But thinking it over, many of the anarchist ideas regarding class struggle and capitalist critique come from Marxism. Nevertheless, the desire for a revolution that brings about tangible change, or at least the beginning of significant social transformation, and the unwillingness to play into the hands of social democrats (reformists), leads me to adopt a perspective closer to Marxist-Leninism.

I am still in formation, but that is the path I am currently taking. I have wondered if there is something like Bolshevik anarchism, but I found nothing. The closest I found was Mao-Spontex; the truth is that I find it interesting, but I don’t think it is a real movement beyond the meme.

I believe that as the final phase of communism, anarchism is the ideal to be achieved; however, that state of affairs cannot be reached through anarchist tools. By this, I mean that in the process of making the revolution, a well-executed democratic centralism is more important than the rather “dispersed” decision-making, so to speak, of anarchists. Another point that comes to mind is that for anarchism to succeed, it would need a simultaneous world revolution, because otherwise, the external enemy could easily crush that society.

In short… I am in a small “crisis” in my political thinking.

In recent years I’ve taken the leftist grillpill. There’s far too few leftists/socialists around me for me to cut ties with someone just because we disagree on the route to a stateless, classless, moneyless society. Revolution in the imperial core seems so far off that I don’t think distinctions like which dead socialist you think was right really matter at the moment. Maybe after the weeks when decades happen those distinctions will matter but until then I just want to find people I can talk with that aren’t

My dear comrade, I’m sorry for your turmoil, it must be hard to be shunned like that indeed. But I wanna say that I’m proud of you, you looked into the theory and was not afraid to embrace what the evidence points to, instead of the toothless version of socialism of the ones that call us tankies, that is filled with lies they ate up from the CIA and other vile sources and became common sense, and I do understand why they think like that, to face and question said common sense is hard and makes people uncomfortable and creates rejection so people avoid it. All in all comrade you should stand for what you think its just and true and if it means who will be around you will change, I’m sorry for the strife it causes but at the end of the day is for the best, and know that here on lemmygrad we’re all a big happy family of united tankies

Yet, everytime I talk with other leftist I either get called a tankie or an anarkiddie.

Do you talk with any leftists offline?

I assume most, if not all, of this infighting you’re experiencing is online. Don’t feel disheartened by the internet discourse machine, it’s entire point of existence is to create arguments so people have something to talk about since it’s (nearly fully) disconnected from the stakes of the real world. Your mileage may vary but I find people in the real world are significantly less interested in relitigating the debates of the last century compared to people online, even if they do identify as a die hard [your tendency here].