88 points

“Quentin” is a 14-year-old assigned female at birth who now identifies as male against the wishes of his parents. His transition was supported by one of his unmarried teachers, who is not a virgin. He stole his parents’ car and drove to the hospital, where a doctor immediately began performing top surgery on him. Afterward, driving home drunk from the hospital, Quentin became suicidally depressed, and he wonders now, homeless and ridden with gonorrhea, if transitioning was a mistake.

We just made Quentin up, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean stories like his aren’t potentially happening everywhere, constantly. Good journalism is about finding those stories, even when they don’t exist. It’s about asking the tough questions and ignoring the answers you don’t like, then offering misleading evidence in service of preordained editorial conclusions. In our case, endangering trans people is the lodestar that shapes our coverage. Frankly, if our work isn’t putting trans people further at risk of trauma and violence, we consider it a failure.

Goddamn. Perfect.

For more evidence of our time-honored journalistic commitment to endangering lives, please see our previous coverage of gay people, immigrants, Black people, and women.

:chefs-kiss:

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26 points

The only part of the parody that doesn’t track to actual reporting is that they used Quinton’s preferred pronouns.

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66 points
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42 points

Is that :who-must-go: to the right of Ted? I can’t make out many of the others. Other than the immortal T. Herman Zweibel, of course.

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Incredible:hahaha::agony-consuming:

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62 points

The Onion simply does not miss.

America’s Finest News Source :rat-salute-2:

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26 points
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There’s no way they don’t have at least one comrade on staff.

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32 points

aren’t they unionized?

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Proudly I think? I will not confirm

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60 points
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42 points

“We stand behind our recent obsessed-seeming torrent of articles and essays on trans people, which we believe faithfully depicts their lived experiences as weird and gross.”

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55 points

—The Onion Editorial Board

:a-guy:

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20 points
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