67 points
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Constantly and all the time.

I gave up on being manly and reserved and whatever other BS a long time ago. Never made me happy. Problem is, most men haven’t, and even men who have generally have no social training in how to emotionally support each other. And, just in general, American culture doesn’t value or care about the emotional lives of men, at all. “Go to therapy” is as much a demand that you stop having emotions as it is a demand that you learn to regulate negative emotions.

And I honestly just don’t have any close men friends anymore. or close anyone friends, really. Nobody wants to talk to me, or share anything about their inner life. I think part of it is most of my “Friends” are Minnesotans, and white Minnesotan culture is… characterized by extreme cliqueishness, by being extremely emotionally unavailable, by an unwillingness to acknowledge or confront any interpersonal problems. Honestly kind of a shit place to be in touch with your emotions and have an extremely distressing severe mental illness.

I’ve seen a lot of men talk about this. You’re told to shed toxic masculinity, get in touch with your feelings, develop emotional intelligence, blah blah blah. And then when you do you realize with a deep, piercing insight that no one gives a shit. No one cares what you’re feeling. No one wants to know about your thoughts and how life harms or heals you. No one cares. I mean, obviously there are exceptional individuals, but for the most part? People don’t care. They don’t want to know. They don’t have any model on how to support men.

There are a lot of complaints about how men exclusively demand the support of women they’re involved with, but the other side of that? There is no other source. No one else cares. You’re honestly lucky if your partner cares. If you can’t turn to your partner for support, and you’re not closely and intimately aquainted with the handful of people in North America who actually value the emotional lives of men, you’re just stuck, alone, in pain, keenly aware that the society that demanded you develop this knowledge really just wanted you to stop expressing any emotions at all. Like yeah, it’s better to know, being emotionally aware and developing emotional intelligence will make your life better in many ways, and if nothing else truth is preferable to ignorance, even when it hurts, but one of those “What has been seen cannot be unseen” curses. Now you know that most of the people you care about don’t care about you, the inner, real, authentic person that exists under all the masks and posturing and assigned social roles. It’s a terrible thing to learn. I really hope some day men can actually, really turn to each other and expect support and compassion, but we are not at all there yet. Hell, probably half the reason all my friends are queer is that, painting with a very broad brush, queer people are much more open to non-normative gender expressions like “Acknowledging that you’re in pain and need support instead of just punching holes in the drywall”.

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26 points
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9 points

Wasn’t there a poem that went around about how Putin invaded Ukraine because his mother didn’t hug him enough? I dunno, all the discourse around men’s relationship to emotion is caricatured and it’s so frustrating.

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20 points

g00d post

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13 points

I remember hanging around some fellow teenagers back in the day and there was a fairly common refrain, “Guys who talk are hot, guys who cry make me uncomfortable and should not do that.”

Your comment reminded me of that.

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4 points

Now you know that most of the people you care about don’t care about you, the inner, real, authentic person that exists under all the masks and posturing and assigned social roles. It’s a terrible thing to learn.

I had a hard time realizing this about my parents

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29 points

Male, hetero, Gen X.

In short, not at all; not ever. I’ve been in and out of therapy (back in currently). I have a few other dads I’m cool with at soccer practice, and coworkers as well. But honestly, not really anyone I would call if, say, I needed someone to just “be there” in a time of need.

Someone else pointed out in this thread as men we’re told to get in touch and be better. And then when those eventual emotional insights are made reality kicks you in the balls: you have no friends outside of your family and hopefully your spouse or partner. Men my age are wholly transactional. Work and status (totally intertwined) are all that matters.

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23 points
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23 points
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That’s sorta true. But since I’m “in the club” it basically goes like this and i think its even more emotionally depraved than just trying to sell you something:

Parents get together for Event X (example: soccer game), dudes gather around to talk shop, everyone complains about work (this can last for hours), drinks flow, dudes now start letting loose… and everyone basically talks about their hobby (usually consumerist based) while other dads figure out if they personally will throw their money away on the same or similar venture. Example: Dude A buys a fishing pole, goes fishing, catches 10 fish. Other dads will then ask for amplifying details (how much did the reel cost? Where did you go fishing?) and this constitutes sharing.

By the way, I’m not even accounting for the bros who like sports. And that’s another level I can’t begin to explain. Personally I don’t care about sports which has resulted in many dads calling me gay (but please tell me more about who “looks good on the field” since grown men chasing balls while grown men watch on them on TV is soooooo hetero).

To be fair, some bros might help each other out (working on cars) but the expectation is tit for tat - I work on your car, you work on mine next weekend. Ultimately though, there is no support system beyond Show & Tell - Mid 40s Edition.

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23 points
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I never seek out emotional support. The only men in my life are my dad who I live with and my brothers who live across the country. I have zero interaction with other males besides the casual hellos and good mornings with coworkers. I don’t really see what the point would be, they can’t help. I have a girlfriend but I mostly don’t tell her my true feelings. I learned very young to handle it all myself and it tends to make me resent really emotive people who always want to talk about their feelings because it’s like. Get it together, ya know. Hard to relate to people. I’m more vulnerable with people on Hexbear than I am with anyone I know in real life.

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I’m more vulnerable with people on Hexbear than I am with anyone I know in real life.

This one got me good. My cat passed last year after sixteen years and I commented about it on Hexbear that day while struggling to deal with the emotions that I normally lock away. I didn’t tell any of my friends about my cat’s passing for like three months because I didn’t want to tear up around them because it would feel weird.

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20 points

Who are you?

Where did you get this number?

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I find it much easier to be emotional and vulnerable with other guys and male friends than anyone else. I’ve actually got the most negative responses to opening up from women, counter to gender stereotypes. I can’t put a number on how often I share with others, it just happens.

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15 points
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Deleted by creator
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