The kid supposedly just walked up and punched my kid in the cheek in class, and chased them with scissors just a few days ago (corroborated by the teacher).
I know shit happens, and they’re a resilient kid, so it’s not too big a deal. But I also want to raise hell to get this kid away from them. What’s the next incident going to be?
I understand the structural and societal issues here - the kid probably doesn’t have a great home life, and the school doesn’t really have anything they can do that will help him.
Idk, just feeling conflicted and looking for thoughts.
The kid supposedly just walked up and punched my kid in the cheek in class, and chased them with scissors just a few days ago (corroborated by the teacher).
I’d want to know if this kid is doing this to the other kids in the room, or just yours. So, is it targeted, or is this kid a general terror? Your kid probably has a good sense which one it is.
Also, it’s not clear to be but are these two separate incidents separated by “just a few days”, or did both those things happen “just a few days ago”? If this is two offenses, I would most likely be talking to the teacher at a minimum.
I know shit happens, and they’re a resilient kid, so it’s not too big a deal. But I also want to raise hell to get this kid away from them. What’s the next incident going to be?
How does it make your kid feel? They might be resilient outwardly, but I would wonder if they’re internalizing some feelings about it. You would obviously know better than me. Being chased with scissors (even if they are just safety scissors) paints a serious image.
I understand the structural and societal issues here - the kid probably doesn’t have a great home life, and the school doesn’t really have anything they can do that will help him.
We can be sympathetic to the aggressive kid while still seeking the safety of our own.
Walking a dual path here might be helpful. On one path, try and work through the system in the school, and figure out what that system is (if anything). On the other, talk with your kid about this student, who the student is being aggressive towards, and discuss ways your kid could become a less desirable target. There is also power in numbers, and if this kid is picking on other kids, it might be worth it to ask your kid to talk to those other kids too. Build solidarity with anyone else being harassed.
It’s also worth it to keep your kid informed about what you’re doing on the other path, and why. We know that in many cases, kids who defend themselves against aggression are often lumped together with the aggressor because “all violence is bad.” This means, unfortunately, you have to be building a case along the way. Taking it a step at a time, documenting phone calls and emails, and escalating to higher authorities when you hit roadblocks shows that you’re trying to “Play by the rules”. So when your kid decides to defend themselves physically, you can point to this history and your documentation showing that not many other options were left on the table.
This is a really helpful response, thank you! Punching was the second incident, the scissors was a few days before. My kid does seem to be feeling strong feelings about it. They’re in kinder, so it’s hard to get a read on exactly what the classroom’s like, but it doesn’t seem to be isolated to my kid.
That’s a good re-framing of following up with the principal as “covering bases for when my kid defends themselves” instead of just “complaining to the manager”. I appreciate your input!
My kid starts kindergarten soon. I have already coached them on how to handle those situations.
This probably isn’t the best solution for a lot of reasons but I don’t really care because of how I grew up getting the shit kicked out of me, and it only stopped once I started fighting back.
I have told them if they get hit or bullied physically, to grab the other kid and beat them in their face as hard as they can.
It happened once in daycare where another kid tried to put mine into a headlock, my kid retaliated in kind and started punching the other kid in the face until they got separated.
Obviously this isn’t the best solutions but schools, as we see, don’t punish bullies as often as they should and the receiver of the bullying gets punished instead. I have been on the receiving end of this myself, even when I didn’t fight back.
I’m willing to go to court over this, and have the means to fight it if I needed to. Which kinda helps my decision to teach my kid what I have.
Now, all of that being said I have absolutely taught them that the first option no matter what is to try to walk away and find a teacher if you haven’t been physically attacked yet.
It IS 100% THE SCHOOLS RESPONSIBILITY to handle these situations. If this is the second time, then you need to get the administrators involved if they haven’t been already. If they have, then ask them what they are going to do to ensure that the situation is handled and doesn’t happen again.
If it happens again after that, go above the local administration to the school board. Do some research find out who the chain of command is and start following it up if necessary. Try to make communication over email, or document everything, have a paper trail, ask for copies of the procedures they are taking, make them physically provide you with an outline or plan of what they are going to do. Put their backs up against a wall so they understand that you are determined to hold them accountable for how they handle the situation.
I know the other child may not have the best situation, but you unfortunately don’t know if that is or isn’t the case, and your priority is your child first. It can be a bit painful to think about, but the reality is that you want to protect your child.
But for the extreme situations, teach or have someone teach your child how to defend themselves.
My kids are not yet school age, and it will be a little different for them because I work (not as a teacher) in the school system they will be going to, but:
Now, all of that being said I have absolutely taught them that the first option no matter what is to try to walk away and find a teacher if you haven’t been physically attacked yet.
This has always been in my mind as the first step.
- Tell an adult what happened. See how they handle the situation.
- If the kid does it again, say you want to go to the office and talk to the principal / vice principal.
- If the kid still continues, then you have used up the options the school has presented you, and the only thing left to do is defend yourself in kind. Make it clear that this has been an issue you’ve tried to get solved.
My experience growing up taught me that if I did nothing, I would just be abused by kids who knew I would let them. It wasn’t until high school that I started getting aggressive in return. It helped that I had the support of a good friend at the time, willing to also get aggressive on my behalf.
Once I was no longer a “soft target”, I got picked on less. Blowfish are not aggressive, but they are prickly for a reason. Be prickly like the blowfish, make yourself an undesirable target.
The other side of this coin though is that, as I have gotten older, I’ve become far less confrontational, and will try and deescalate an escalating situation.
Nobody protects kids who are the victims. It’s sad but true and it carried into adulthood. It might sound barbaric but martial arts, boxing, these things are life changers for kids who are on the receiving end of violence because the principals and teachers can’t or won’t do anything.
When that happened to me in kindergarten I broke the bully’s nose.
I did not go back to that school.
Drastic as it may sound @skizzles@lemmy.ml is right. Make sure your kid knows that physically defending yourself is 100% valid.
If this kid has threatened your child with scissors and already been the first to strike, fuck em. The sooner these little shits learn the law of fuck around and find out the better.
I did not go back to that school.
did they expel you or something? sucks if that’s what happened and I’m sorry
Not quite. I was on the cusp and had started before my fifth birthday and the bully was the same but hadn’t started till the next school year so I was 4 and he was 6, so they had the brilliant idea to make me go through kindergarten all over again in a virulently racist homophobic time and place and I was not going to endure that again. I chose independent study for almost the entirety of my education up till college and frankly it was the best thing that could have happened. I avoided the indoctrination machine and got to learn along side a bunch of other kids like me that rejected the draconian US school system from the get go. I was literally protesting the pledge of allegiance at four years old because my parents told me I didn’t have to participate and it felt weird as fuck anyway.
When I was in 5th grade a kid let me borrow a cassette tape, that I then lost somewhere. He started leaving messages on my parents answering machine like, “You better bring my tape tomorrow, or I’ll beat your ass”. My parents were always on me about losing stuff, so I felt like I couldn’t tell them I lost the tape, so I lied and said I never had it. I wasn’t being bullied, but my dad thought I was.
My dad tried was trying to get me to stand up to the kid, but I wasn’t equipped for that. It made everything worse. I probably could have talked my way out of it or avoided it, but my dad was insistent on meeting violence with violence. He basically bullied me to make calls to the kid and threaten him back. Of course it was completely unconvincing because I cried through it. It traumatized me and made me actually get bullied at school.
That’s not really an answer to the question, I just wanted to give my input that not every kid is capable of fighting back against bullies. I think sometimes you can only try to get the school to intervene.
