No link because he deleted it
I saw Pope Francis at a grocery store in the Vatican yesterday. I told him that I’m the one who wrote ‘The Benedict Option’, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”
I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.
The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.
When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any religious infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?’
The Pope travels to New York City and evades his security detail. He’s sick of the Popemobile and wants an authentic NYC experience, so he hails a cab. The taxi driver is in awe, sez, “Holy Father, anything I can do for you, just name it.” The Pope says, “Well, you know, this isn’t something I’m usually able to do. Would it be . . . would it be okay if I drove your taxicab? It’s always been a dream of mine.” The driver is surprised, he knows his life isn’t much of a dream, but he can hardly say no. The pope gets behind the wheel and takes off.
And he really takes off. He’s running red lights and going 60 mph down sidewalks. It doesn’t take long before they’re pulled over. Officer O’Malley comes up to the driver’s window, does a double-take, and gets on the radio to headquarters.
“Hey, Captain, listen . . . I’ve pulled someone over for reckless driving, but, ah, it’s someone really important.”
“What, like on the City Council?”
“Way more important.”
“Is it the Mayor?”
“No, Captain, it’s . . .”
“A senator?”
“Captain, think bigger.”
“Don’t tell me you pulled over the President.”
“No, no, even more important.”
“Who’s more important than the President?”
“I don’t know, boss, but the fucking Pope is his driver.”
this is a extremelly weird vibe to have and i say this as a former catholic like wtf man he is infalible if he did not recall your book it is because you did a bad job writing it my man
wrote a book about… eggs benedict? why the fuck would Papa know this guy?
