IDK this whole men on this site need advice thing has convinced me that people here really think this isn’t a safe place to ask questions about how to, IDK, be?. So ask them here I guess if you didn’t ask them in the other thread.
I’m drunk and going to sleep now, but I have the day off tomorrow and will sincerely commit to effort-posting responses if anyone has genuine questions they want some in depth advice to.
I will say I’m just a guy who thinks he has enough trips around the sun to have some insight to share but I am not an authority on anything, so anyone else please feel free to chime in
how do you incorporate revolutionary/feminist ideals in your relationship? have you made any mistakes through idealism or misapplied theory?
Yeah, so there’s a lot there but I’ll keep it simple and if you want you can ask further questions.
I’ll start by establishing that both of us are feminists and socialists, though I think I think and read more on these topics than she does.
A simple framework that I try to stick to its that it’s all labour. Wage labour is labour, domestic labour is labour, school is labour, emotional labour is labour. From a feminist perspective I aim to make sure that labour is divided equally, but from a communist perspective I aim to make sure each of us perform labour in accordance with our physical, mental and emotional means, and each receives the fruits of the other’s labour in accordance with their needs.
An example is that during the first year of the pandemic I was out of work for like 6 months (collecting unemployment), and she was in intensive online school working crazy hours on class and homework. During that time, I did all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and dog-walking. Sometimes she would feel really guilty because she felt like she wasn’t pulling her weight, and it would be really hard for me to convince her that actually she was putting in way more hours of labour than I was each week.
As for mistakes, I think something I’m working on is trying to not let emotional labour fall on her, as I think I can have a blind spot for that stuff.
I struggle with the emotional labor aspect of relationships. On one hand, I am doing my share of labor labor, but I don’t “think about it” as much, and it doesn’t stress me out. So it’s a matter of planning I guess? The problem I run into is the criticism I receive is vague and about the idea of emotional labor, and I need concrete things I can do.
Don’t want to give up my private information, so you probably can’t give the most specific advice. Time for the question: I can’t get a date, what should I do? I’m friends with women, so it’s not like I’m unable to talk to women. I guess I might be awkward when I ask girls out, but is that the only reason? I’m worried I might be too intense as a person. I guess I could mute that, but I don’t want to lie about who I am as a person. I know women aren’t a monolith, and it’s not like I’m asking for pick up artist tricks. Just wondering if there’s an approach I should generally take.
I’d like to ask no one who isn’t dating women respond to this. There’s a world of difference between what people think would appeal to them and what actually does.
Yeah, so it’s hard to give too much advice without knowing you, but I’ll share some thoughts.
First is that I’m of the opinion not everyone is always in a place in their life where they’re likely to get a good match even if they’re trying. People are often reluctant to talk about these parts of their lives, so I’ll share my experience with this.
There was a period in my late 20s where I really struggled to find someone - this dry spell lasted maybe 4 years. Looking back on this period it’s easy to see that even though I was interesting, fit, had hobbies, good hygiene, etc, I was very likely emitting some weird vibes that alienated me from potential partners. That was probably a mixture of sadness (due to loneliness), desperation, but also some incoherent mix of pride and self-loathing. I also had social anxiety that I hadn’t learned to control.
That is to say, I was never undeserving of a connection, but had some ways of being (that were hard for me to recognize about myself at the time) which made it hard for me to form those connections.
I have friends who had dry spells for much, much longer - but while what I wrote above didn’t directly related to them a lot of it did. We were all lucky enough to find love in the end.
I have no way of knowing if this applies to you of course, but I do feel like we have a tendency to euphemize these periods as “dry spells” without talking honestly about the loneliness, uncertainty, vulnerability and fear that can often be felt during these times.
My advice is to take the pressure off yourself - maybe right now isn’t the time and when you look back you’ll see why. The self-imposed pressure to have a partner can build a desperation that seeps out, and is deeply unsexy. I recognize this is a frustrating paradox, but the only way around it is to learn to be comfortable with who you are. It’s ok to be single though, and gives you a lot of extra time.
I would strongly recommend using this time to work on yourself - learn an instrument, learn to bake, learn a language, read interesting books, etc. Don’t don’t just smoke weed, play video games and watch YouTube. Build yourself into an even more interesting person than you already are. If you have mental health issues, use this extra time you have to put some serious work into addressing them.
But also, do activities that give you experience talking to different types of people in a low-stress, non-sexual environment. Get active in your local left org, join a book club, volunteer at a soup kitchen, join a community soccer team, get involved in municipal politics, do language exchange, take a dance class, go to community events they post at the library or community center. Get used to saying yes to things even if it scares you a bit.
And keep putting yourself out there. I don’t know what the state of dating apps are these days, but I’d suggest staying away from appearance-based ones and trying out ones that actually try to algorithmically match you to people with similar interests even though they probably do weird shit with your data.
Anyhow, there is no easy answer to this problem. The best I can do is tell you that this isn’t that uncommon, a lot of us have been there, it is hard, often humiliating, generally sucks, and you don’t deserve it. I mostly hope that just knowing that even though you feel alone you aren’t, in a way. I really hope you find someone you deserve comrade.
This sounds like solid advice, comrade. I think part of my problem is that things I do which should be fun, low stress ways to meet people have turned into responsibilities. Not gonna go in depth on this, but suffice it to say it’s an external problem and I don’t want to just walk away. I’m a student with aspirations of grad school, so I’m guessing that might give a desperate edge. I’m going to try to take better care of myself this year than I did last year, and this is just another reason to do that. Thanks, comrade.
How often do you meet up with friends? I have friends but rarely see them because none of us drive and transit is barely functional
What the fuck does “normal” mean?
I was talking about this several times in the past year to my friend who’s ND and ace, and there are a lot of things he’s been unwilling to accept because one of his foremost desires is to be normal.
Yeah IDK, I can tell you for me I use the term to describe how little people pay attention to you. For instance, I have social anxiety and don’t love being a center of attention, so I dress in clothing that doesn’t make people look at me when I go buy some tomatoes. I don’t actually care about what my hair or clothes look like, I just want to fade into the background.
