how tf do i call out of work. i never do this shit and i’m always terrified of doing it. i hate my job and would much rather do the thing with my friends tomorrow but i’m a terrible liar and have a deep seated need to be seen as doing good, even by my fucking b*ss. does anyone have any tips for how to do it?
There are TWO and only TWO options.
One is not explaining. Just say “I’m feeling sick and won’t be making it in” Most will not pry.
If they’re the type of people to pry, just say “I can’t make it in, I think I caught a stomach bug”
That’s it. There is no “mental health day”, you don’t have that chronic disease, you don’t have a bad headache, you aren’t staying home for your own comfort. You, my friend, are shidding out your doo doo ass. That is the only thing you will EVER imply to your work. Vomiting and farding and shidding. No one will ask. No one will try to get you to come in.
In a whisper say, “I have explosive diarrhea.”
No one will question you the next day when you’re back at work acting mostly normal.
You can call in sick without specifying what it is or sounding sick. No need for details, in fact it would be discouraged. “hey boss, sorry but I am afraid I have to call in sick. I’ll most likely be available as usual next blabla” thats it
unless they need a doctors note.
otherwise “private emergency”. Could be anything and if you keep it general it should be understood that asking about details would be prying.
Dont know how cool your boss is though, but “private emergency” means you aren’t taking a sick day so its unpaid, on the other hand it might be outside of your work contract.
I too really struggle with doing it, but calling in is borderline praxis, it is a good thing to do. Force them employers to learn that people have needs and will not always be at work no matter what.
Keep it short and sweet, don’t offer details, and if pushed, claim poop disease, or severe dizziness to the point you can’t stand up. No acting required, just keep it boring and vague, you don’t know what the cause is.
Honestly, I freak out having to do such calls, it sucks. But it need only be like 20 seconds, done and dusted, then the world is yours to enjoy for a day. “I won’t be in today, can’t stand up too dizzy, hopefully be there tomorrow”, bam.
Say you have come down with what you think is food poisoning and tell your boss that you are spending equal amounts of time between bed and the bathroom. They aren’t going to want to inquire further, nobody wants to catch it if it’s contagious, and nobody wants to be the guy who forced their employee to come into work and thus making that person shit themselves while on the clock. Also not even greedy, compassionless arsehole bosses want to pay a staff member who is going to spend a few hours on the toilet nor do they want to be stuck with the responsibility for a person who cannot leave the workplace because things have deteriorated and now the staff member cannot be more than 10 mins away from a toilet.
If they push you on details, tell them that you’re doing okay keeping food down but the rest is not fun and that you aren’t so bad that you need to go to the hospital but you aren’t in any state to leave the house at the moment.
If you have some bad diarrhoea then you probably aren’t going to sound very sick, which is nice for lying about needing the day off. Just don’t sound too chipper when you call in. A bout of bad diarrhoea can pass quickly enough and there aren’t going to be any outwardly visible indications of lingering sickness that you would expect from someone who, say, called in because of severe hayfever or the flu so this is probably your safest bet.
