it’s relatively easy for me to meet people online, but there’s only so much i can get out of virtual friendships anymore.
I have never struggled to make friends but I gotta say, apparently what I count as a friend is apparently more of an acquaintance according to my partner but I’d still help them move… I make friends through work, commie meetings, when I was going to school at school, volunteering, etc. And then meeting other friends through those friends at their parties or boardgames nights.
If you want a really deep platonic relationship with someone I don’t think I can help out there. The last real, deep, “best” friend I made was in the 8th grade and other than my partner I don’t think I’d count anyone else as that.
what I count as a friend is apparently more of an acquaintance according to my partner
Not to get gender deterministic, but in my experience men and women in the west have different barriers for friends. My barrier is low and like anyone I get along with or have basic repor with I’d call a friend. My GF would call that acquaintances and only calls people friends if they regularly interact or seek each other out somehow. But guys I knew in high school and haven’t talked to in a decade, I’d still call them a friend.
it’s a good idea to keep tabs on how close your friendships actually are. yeah, there are a lot of people you like to see and who like to see you but true friendships are deep and require a lot of work - you and they have to repeatedly choose not to drift apart. for many relationships, drifting apart is fine. but it’s sad to lose people you’ve known for decades that way.
Alienation and atomization. A general lack of time for social stuff do to high work hours. Very little public social space.
“Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…”
It’s a Timothy Leary quote, so the emotions are dialed up to 11, but the central idea is solid. If you’re willing to say and do some of the ‘weirder’ things you think and feel, eventually you’ll meet someone on the same wavelength. Some examples from my personal life:
- Shouted “Play Freebird!” at a bad musician during a street festival. A stranger approached me to ask what’s the deal with people shouting “Play Freebird.” Continued talking after that, found out we share common leftist ideas, and we’ve been friends for almost a decade.
- Started dropping little bits of leftist ideas while I was working the carnival and made friends with the only other leftist out on the road.
- Overheard a lady make a Donna Haraway joke when I was at a friend’s art exhibition. I knew immediately that I had to talk to this person. 2 years later we got engaged. Sure, it didn’t work out in the end, but it happened and I’m happy it did.
Basically: Be a lil bit :lt-dbyf-dubois: and a whole lot :yes-chad:
Yeah, a lot of Leary is pretty cringe in retrospect. Then again, so is a lot of counterculture.
i’m glad it worked out for you but tbh even if the musician was bad i would have prayed for you to get hit by a wheelbarrow for that freebird thing
community didn’t create enough money, so people feel unconnected to the people and place around them. These means it’s harder to walk up to strangers and just start talking to them. Most hobby spaces have moved online(where they can put adds on them and micro-target every one of them). Plus the expense of literally any activity has skyrocketed. Unless the park is in walking distance you’re going through gas getting there and back, and that can run into money for some people. Plus everyone is overworked and exhausted, so if you aren’t already a guaranteed good time(by this I mean you are already known and liked by the other person) it is not worth the emotional energy to get to know you and see if you’re friend material or not.
Yep ever since I moved for my job I have completly given up on IRL social contacts. Like I have none at all, but those few hours that I’m not exhausted on a weekend I’m not going to spend them in a bar hoping to strike a conversation. I’m in one of the most conservative regions in the country so organizing is almost impossible and I hate sports with a passion.
The same with dating. The social expectation around here is still that the first 20 steps must be initiated by the man. Running into a lot of rejection while putting all that effort in is at least for me much more unhealthy than just staying alone. Not that I would blame women like an incel, it just always puts me into a bad place. :what-the-hell:
it’s actual effort to go out “cold calling” like that. People talk about it like it’s supposed to be fun but it’s worse than work sometimes. I really do feel much more comfortable just staying alone, it can actually feel peaceful occasionally which is rare these days I feel.
Dating is such a cringe annoying affair tbh. I really want more feminism so that dating isn’t just the weird zone where patriarchal rules still apply. And dating apps are just so weird. I don’t have time or money to go on a bunch of dates or try to screen out people who are just there for a hook-up.
